What to do when you’re called out on online

When it comes to talking to people online, the chances are you'll get called out for something. Whether it's a phrase you use, your tone or an overall post, you can't make everyone happy all the time and you may have some question you on something or tell you that you're inappropriate.

This doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong, as it could be a personal issue the other party has. However, you may be called out because you have said something inappropriate or insulting, even if you didn't mean to.

No matter the situation, the most important thing is how you react to being called out, as the wrong reaction could make the situation much worse. To help you out and to stop your online discussion getting out of hand fast, here's what you should do when you get called out:

Don't be defensive

One of the worst things you can do is get defensive as this will also make you angry, which will come across in your response and could make matters worse. Being called out isn't a big deal, so don't make it one.

We all get questioned about things we post online, so just accept that this is someone else's opinion without getting upset.

Avoid tone policing

This is almost as bad as getting defensive. You may well understand where someone is coming from, but asking them not to get so angry or upset is only going to irritate them more. 

You can't control how someone reacts to what you put online and what you've said may well have made them angry. They have every right to show this without you policing their emotions and tone.

Listen

You need to listen to why someone has found what you've said online to be problematic, which is why you really need to avoid getting defensive. Try and understand where they are coming from and listen to their reasoning, as this could help you change the way you talk online in future.

Avoid asking them lots of questions – you'll probably find resources online that explain their point in more detail – but do take note of their comments.

Understand that your intent doesn't matter

No one means to upset someone online but it can happen. You could have the best intentions in the world but it is people's reactions to your comments that matter most. People probably know that you weren't trying to upset them so you don't need to reiterate this or try to explain yourself more fully.

Don't attack

Being called out doesn't mean you have a right to attack someone or insult them. This just makes things worse and makes you look like the bad guy. It can also result in you getting in trouble with online moderators so be sure to keep things civil, even if you don't agree.

Apologise

The best thing to do when you get called out? Apologise. This doesn't mean saying something like 'I'm sorry you got upset', as this implies you're free of fault. Instead, make sure the person who called you out understands that you have heard them and that you'll take their point on board in future. 

An apology can go a long way and will ensure a conversation isn't derailed and doesn't effectively become a shouting match.